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2007-07-10

In which I explain how my building security thinks I have powers greater than Superman…

I work for the Federal Government in a Federal Building. As one might expect there are a couple of security measures in place here to prevent unauthorized access to the building.

The latest security mandate is that, while in the building, all employees should wear their ID badges on these lanyards:


Despite the fact that I think this lanyard is both an invitation to any crazies I deal with on a daily basis to strangle me and a advertisement to any evil-doers I pass walking around Boston that says, “Yoo hoo, over here! I’d be a good person to target for your terror plot,” I wear the thing anyway because I like to do what I’m told.*

But here’s my problem: it keeps breaking! The high-quality government-issued lanyards break in the middle and drop my ID badge all over the place. It’s both annoying and troublesome because losing the thing is costly and involves a lot of work to replace it.

I approached one of the security guards in my building and asked him about it, thinking that he must have seen this problem before, and might have a quick fix. He looked at it, snapped it back together, and said, “Yeah, I don’t know.”

Then he offered the following solution, “You’ll have to keep an eye on it, I guess.”

So there you have it. By sheer optical power, I’ll be able to reinforce plastic parts.

Wow, Superman is going to be so envious when he hears about my powers. I mean X-ray and heat vision don’t seem so impressive now do they?



*Incidentally, I’m not a good person to target for a terror plot. My ID badge would only give you access to the lamest of the Boston Federal buildings. Blowing us up would pretty much wipe out “essential” government services like my office, Housing and Urban Development and the Environmental Protection Agency. I doubt we’d be missed. In fact, the Republicans might just wipe us out on their own without the need for any explosives.