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about me


In which I discuss my theory that would make the Dog Whisperer roll his eyes in disgust…

Walter understands English.

He does. It’s freaky.

And I’m not talking “sit, treat” English. I’m talking "meaning of entire sentences" English.

I know you don’t believe me. I know you’re sitting there thinking to yourself, “Cesar Millan would have a field day with this woman.” I know you’re skeptical, which is why I offer the following two examples as proof:

1. Last weekend the dogs and I were at the local dog park. A group of three goth (dog-less) teens walked by the group of playing dogs and owners. One of the teen boys had apparently stepped in dog poo and was expressing his displeasure at the situation by grumbling and cursing to his friends. Then he turned to our group, standing about 20 feet away, and yelled, “Fuck you dog owners! Fuck you dogs!” Walter immediately started running toward the teen barking and howling at him. Apparently Walter does not approve of such strong language.

2. The other day I tried to make some pumpkin pies as a sort of “dry run” in preparation for Thanksgiving.* I messed them up. (Bygones.) And as I was throwing them away, I dropped one on the floor. A bit of pumpkin filling spilled on the floor and Wally volunteered to clean that up for me. When he finished, I noticed that there was some pumpkin on the side of the trash can. So, from the other side of the kitchen, I said, “Hey Wally, get that pumpkin on the side of the can.” And he immediately did it!

Now are you convinced that Wally understands English? You should be, with those two concrete examples. I mean the President resolutely concluded there were WMDs in Iraq with fewer examples than that.

So maybe not everyone will believe me, but I bet the Republicans will.

*I’m not exactly Betty Crocker, so this is generally a good idea.