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2006-10-25

In which I try to contain myself, quite literallyÖ

Iím really annoyed at my pants today.

It seems that all of my dress pants have two forms of closure in addition to the zipper e.g. todayís pants have a button and a hook & eye closure. My husbandís pants have only one button. Why? I canít say for sure but Iíve come up with four theories.

My first theory is that garment manufacturers are afraid that without a backup method of closure women will just come busting out of their pants, inevitably leading to many social catastrophes. Although if this were true youíd think that menís pants would have the same extra level of protection because many a comedy skit begins with a man losing his drawers.

My second theory is that the hook/eye manufacturing industry is in such dire straits that it asked the clothing designers to help increase demand. I guess thatís plausible, but not so likely.

My third theory is that clothing designers are catering to consumersí subconscious belief that more is better. Although that doesnít explain the difference between pants marketed for men versus pants marketed for women because Iím pretty sure our culture is universally trained to think more is better.

That only leaves my forth theory: the extra closure exists on womenís pants as a kind of failsafe provided thoughtfully by the patriarchy to help protect womenís virtue viz. you and your partner of the moment are getting all hot and bothered, tearing off each otherís clothes, when you undo the first form of closure on your pants, but in the brief pause that exists before you can free yourself from the second, you think, ďWait, I shouldnít be doing this with my professor/newly-made acquaintance from the biker bar/priest/best friendís spouse/insert any name here,Ē thereby giving you a clear mind to put the kibosh on the whole thing.

I think the theory has merit. Of course I canít test my hypothesis. I just donít think my husband would appreciate my hitting the biker bars to do the necessary field research.